Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Coping

It was Saturday the first day of summer, normally I’d go outside bask in the sunlight, have a glass of lemonade (homemade), and run through the sprinkles and feel the cold water cool me off in the heat. I’d do all these things with my dog Susie sometimes I’d even put her in the pool than join her and I’d would play water tag with her and sometimes when we’d get tired we’d just float. I love Susie she’s like … no she is my sister my furry, slobbering kissing, soft tummy, sister and I would never let anything happen to her. I’d do these things of course when the weather was nice which it always was including today but not today. At about fifteen minutes past ten I rose from my bed like a vampire would rise from its coffin I sat cross-legged trying to go back to what happen last night. But the more I tried the more real it seamed I wanted it to be a dream a horrible, terrible dream but it just became more vivid each time. I could see his face every little detail even his veins and I remembered his outfit and the smell I used to love was now as appealing as a skunk’s musk. I hated it but I hated ‘him’ more. Than I tried to back flash on my life my first steps, my first words, my first trip outside New York but it keep going back to another first my first kiss with nonrelatives last night in the ballroom with ‘him’ at first I saw stars but than I saw flames and nobody extinguished them so they burned and I burned with them. Susie was still sleeping her golden fur glistened in the sun she almost sparkled and it made me feel a bit better I tried to hold back tears for fear she would wake up and bark alerting my mother something might be wrong and my secret would be revealed but something was wrong and I thought I wouldn’t be able to hide it. Than something interrupted me the growling of my stomach I smelled food and not just any food my favorite breakfast. I hopped out of bed grabbed Susie and rushed down the hall my mom was flipping the last of the pancakes once I had taken Susie outside and got her breakfast situated.

“Good morning honey.” She said

“Good morning mama.” I said back

“Well” she said in her waitress voice “Here you go sugar three little chicks pecking at apples two sunburned eggs over medium and a stack of silver dollars spent at the chocolate store.”

“Thanks” I said back with a chuckle under my voice translation three chicken-apple sausages, two fried eggs over medium, and a stack of chocolate chip pancakes. But than I flash backed to last night and I looked down at my plate chocolate was what I remembered I almost blew chunks translation puke. I toke the plate outside and sat at the outside table with the red and white-checkered tablecloth. I ate the sausage and eggs with ease slurping the yolk as if it was soup a yellow creamy strange tasting soup. Than I cut one piece of pancake slowly brought to my mouth and bit down trying not to taste the creamy, light, seductive, and sweet substance which was the chocolate I swallowed and my face puckered up as if I had just licked a sour lemon I pushed away my plate and tried to wash out the taste with juice but I’ll tell you something the only thing that washes out chocolate is chocolate cause if you want it out fast you might as well just wait. Chocolate just reminded me too much of the tragedy because when I looked at the chocolate I saw ‘him’ and when I tasted chocolate I tasted his lips and suddenly there was a second tongue in my mouth again and only one was mine. My mother complained though about why the pancakes were still on my plate.

“I don’t understand” she said “How can you leave the chocolate chip pancakes their probably the best part?”

“Sorry” I replied “I’m just not craving chocolate today.” And with that I knew she was hurt.  But I could also tell she knew something was up she knew the only time I wouldn’t eat chocolate was when I was sick with the stomach flu or something but even than I would still sneak a Hershey bar under my bed and nibble on when I was supposedly taking a nap. And she knew because guess who, would me catch me in the act as my dad use to say get the last of Sherlock’s clues, mom. Before she could say any thing to make me feel worse I bolted down the hallway into my room put on my robe and headed to the bathroom were I locked the door I didn’t get into the bathtub until I heard my mother go into her room were I would still wait until I heard her watching her Spanish soap operas I knew when she would start watching cause I could hear

“Pablo, Pablo me muchacha es your muchacha.”

I would normally giggle or imitate a annoying a Spanish voice but instead I saw it as a little green flag signaling “its okay now”.  I started the water and got out my favorite bubble bath, apple pomegranate while the water got warm and the bubbles got bigger I took off my robe and stared at my self naked in the mirror where I saw my chest was a faded red as if I had gotten sunburned and it had just started to heal but I knew I wasn’t sunburned I was abused and I didn’t like what I saw. As I began immersing my self in blood warm waters I had another flash back but this was the one I thought of as the nice part of last night but it was really step 1 in Michael’s plan to seduce me. The water felt good though it reminded me of my last summer’s trip to Hawaii, which was the last family trip together before my dad passed. And the bubbles tickled my chin the air had been perfumed with the scent of apples but it still had a pomegranate musk under the scent, As I dipped my body in deeper I started getting more relaxed and the horrid memories slowly faded away but as soon as I finally got relaxed it hit me… hard what if I’m pregnant I thought as soon as the last syllable left my lips I sprung out of the bathtub and puked in the sink the good part about it was I got rid of that piece of pancake.  After I finished puking I sat on the toilet seat pondering about the subject but the more I didn’t want to believe it the more true it seemed than false. Oh my god I thought what if I’m pregnant I mean after all he did do it and I don’t know if he was protected. I quickly dried off throw on my school sweats and headed for the kitchen there I started rummaging through the medicine cabinet looking for something that might help me. In there I found a set of unopened birth control pills that my mother had bought for my cousin Sharon I quickly read the instructions popped a pill into my mouth and chased it down with a glass of water now all I could do was wait and pray that god would have mercy on me. I woke to the next morning as I did the last except different breakfast today’s special was fruit town struck my a tornado than snowed on by a blanket of brown snow translation a berry smoothie and granola parfait I ate with no problem as I licked the smoothie off my fingers and crunched the last of the granola I looked up to see my mother grinning ear to ear.
 “Good,” she said, “You have your appetite back.”

“Yep sure do mom.” I replied skeptically

“Great!” and with that she headed to the fridge and took out a paper plate covered in foil she pushed the plate towards me leaned in and slowly lifted up the foil as soon as I saw what was underneath I made a run for the door as if she was trying to give me poison. I was too late my mother was blocking the exit she took my hand and lead me to the table like a mother leads her perfect and scared little angel to her first day of kindergarten. Aw kindergarten I thought I bet girls don’t get raped there I bet boys thought girls had coodies and wouldn’t even dare to think about going to the ‘girl’s side’ no boys would just play with toy cars bite the heads off of the Barbie dolls and eat all the good snacks before the girls could even get to them. Then I knew I had truly gone crazy and even though he wasn’t there I blamed Michael. Soon I was face to face with what used to be every girls best friend know my worst nightmare I picked up my knife and fork and slowly brought it down to the fluffy tan thin clouds and ate two pieces my mother waited for me to eat a few more pieces but I simply swallowed covered it back up with foil and pushed it back towards my mother her smile faded away and turned into a confused frown. Than I got up and ambled towards the hallway my mother didn’t even try to block me this time she stared at the plate with that confused frown still on her face. I headed back to the bathroom locked the door and puked again and said goodbye to two more pieces of chocolate chip pancakes. Than I drew myself another bath and cried in the bathtub until my body was completely pruned which after I dried off and went to bed. My mouth managed a small grin because I knew tomorrow would be a knew day were I could forget at least a part of what happened a few days before hand and I just might see a rainbow in this storm of sadness clouds and anger lighting…hopefully. But my chances looked good because for once in those whole three days I didn’t dream about Michael Conway instead I dreamt of my father telling me it would be alright and for the most part it was going to be alright. I saw us sitting on the beach watching the waves crash onto the shore and watched the clouds roll by than he grabbed my hand and pulled me under the water when I took a breath I was okay and I swam and swam watching and naming the different kinds of fish and playing with the sea turtles and riding the dolphins into the sunset. I didn’t want to leave I felt at place in the water it was the only place I could really think and I liked it that way because it reminded me I was different but in the good way. And before by dream went dark into a pitch black abyss my father told me

 “If you ever want to see me my little angel fish just close your eyes and think of the ocean because like a sea shell not only do you hear me but I will hear you and I will answer back.”

 Than my world went dark and my small grin turned into a full-blown smile and I slept that night in the light of the full moon. Knowing it was in fact going to be a bright shining new day tomorrow and I didn’t need the hopefully.

Add a comment September 27, 2010